Brad dropped me off in front of the hospital so I could run (well waddle in a hurry) up to get registered why he parked the car. While I was checking in Brad came and we were led down the hallway to the nurses station. The nurse took us to my room and told me to change into the beautiful hospital gown. I remember trying to be strong for Brad and the other family members that were coming but as I stood in the bathroom changing I began to cry. I was more worried about the actual surgery than I thought I would be and of course the uncertainty of baby b (Cade) was capturing my thoughts. I knew deep down in my heart that his mission on this earth would be short but didn't want to say it out loud. I collected myself and came out with a smile to greet Brad and my parents who arrived first. The rest of our family Brad's parents, sisters Monica and Natalie, brother-in-law Chris, niece Alison and my brother Travis and sister Jamie were all there.
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| Just before delivery- could I retain any more water?! Love the triple chin! |
The sweet hospital staff said that the entire family could stay in my post operation room during the births and that the nurse would come back and update them during the delivery. I have to say the hospital staff were AMAZING! I don't think this experience would have been as special without their understanding and compassion.
As we sat there waiting for Dr. Esplin to arrive, ( he was running late from a meeting at another hospital) we talked with the director of the neonatal team (Dr. Yoder) that would take care of Cade when he was born. He reminded us of all the possible outcomes again as described in a previous post and the procedures that would be taken to help Cade as much as possible. He told us the last resort would be placing him on the ventilator and then administering a few tests after that to see if his lungs were strong enough to sustain life.
After meeting with the many doctors and specialists, we were as ready as we could be for the births. Dr. Esplin arrived and asked if we had any last questions and we reminded him that Brad didn't want to see or hear anything that he was doing to me ie.. "I am making the incision, now I am peeling back the skin, etc..." Brad didn't want anything to do with that. He just wanted to be there for me and he did a great job holding my hand (with ear plugs in :) ) smiling and being a great support. If it would have been any other women having a c-section he would have watched and thought it was the coolest thing ever but when it was happening to me he would rather not know what was going on. Dr. Esplin also approved to have my mom present in case Brad had to leave to be with Cade, he also said she could record the birth on our camcorder.
They took me back first to get my spinal block put in before bringing in Brad and my mom. I again had remained strong in front of everyone in the post-op room but the minute I sat down on the table for them to give me the shot I broke down. I was sobbing uncontrollably and they had to wait until I calmed down to put in the spinal block. There were so many emotions running through my mind and heart that I just couldn't hold it all in anymore. It was then I knew for sure that Cade wouldn't make it. In looking back, there were several times Heavenly Father was preparing me for this outcome. Both Brad and I knew but never talked about it, neither one of us wanted to say it out loud feeling that by doing so we would be giving up on Cade. Brad knew a couple years ago that we would have an angel baby (more details to come in the funeral post) and I knew I would be planning a funeral when I attended another baby's funeral a couple months before. Again, neither of us talked about it because we thought that would be giving up hope and we wanted to exercise our faith and trust in our Heavenly Father. Knowing it is always in His hands.
After the spinal block was given I was laid down on the table and my mom and Brad were brought in. My mom was nervous she would faint at the sight of blood but she did a great job. I am SOOO grateful she was there to film the birth of the 2 boys, the brief shot of Cade when he was born is the most alive we saw him and I wouldn't trade that footage for anything. And Hunter acts now exactly how he did the first 5 minutes of his life. Such a cute little monkey!
When Dr. Esplin delivered Hunter he said all looked good, he cried and was passed to the team of pediatricians in the OR to finish checking him out. He then delivered Cade and told us he was a boy, that his head was slightly flat on one side and he had club feet because of how he was sitting in the placenta as well as the lack of amniotic fluid. CadeCade was put on a ventilator and we would talk to Dr. Yoder (neonatalogist) in the post op room about the final tests. We knew after hearing that news that Cade would not be with us much longer. They still ran some tests and came to see us after wards. He said the tests didn't look good but that they could run one more to check Cade's oxygen and carbon dioxide levels (blood gas levels). Dr. Yoder said if the levels did not look normal Cade didn't have enough lung tissue to sustain life and that we could go see him in the NICU on the ventilator or he could bring him to us and we could spend his last few hours as a family. We told him if the levels were not normal to bring Cade to us. We didn't want to remember him hooked to a machine.
A few minutes later they brought Hunter in to us, we had told them if Cade was being brought in to bring in Hunter as well so we could spend time as a family together and get some pictures. So we knew Cade was coming next. Things are still a little foggy for me, I was still vomiting and did so until later that evening. I remember feeling many emotions - happiness for the successful birth of our boys and that Hunter was healthy, sadness for the loss of our son, peace knowing that Cade was fulfilling his mission and that we were able to spend some time, however short, with him, gratitude for the knowledge that our family will be together forever, humble to have such a special spirit be a part of our family, comfort that our Heavenly Father was with us and most of all love for both of our special boys and my amazing husband.
We had prayed all along that Cade would be allowed to fulfill his mission to come to earth and receive his body. The doctors had told us he would pass away prior to being born so his birth was definitely one of the many miracles we experienced during this journey.
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| First family picture |
When Cade arrived I held him and Hunter together and we took a few pictures. Then I asked Brad to give Cade a name and a blessing. I wanted to make sure that took place before he passed away. We choose the name Cade because it means "pure" and Parker was on a list I had made prior to their birth and we liked the sound of the two names together. During the blessing Brad gave Cade his name. He blessed him to know how much his family loved him and how grateful they were to meet him at that time. He blessed him that while his mission here on earth was short and he had completed what he needed to do, that he would fulfill his mission in the spirit world and that he would work hard there. He blessed him that we would all feel close even though we are not together. He blessed him that he would be reunited with his family when the time came and that we would all continue the relationship that had been started here. Brad also asked for a blessing that as Cade's parents we would be prepared to raise him in the millennium. At the end, he was blessed to come forth in the morning of the first resurrection with a strong and perfect body.
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| Brad getting ready to give Cade his name and blessing |
After a while our family was causing a traffic jam in the hallway and they told us we needed to move to my permanent room down the hall. Just before moving rooms, someone handed Cade to Brad and that is when Brad knew he had passed away. He no longer twitched as he had before and was no longer taking short labored breaths. It wasn't until we got to the new room and the doctor arrived a few minutes later that they checked Cade for a heartbeat and pronounced him at 1:30pm.
To be continued...
